ABOUT US
Founded in the depths of the 2018 bear market, Scrotum Corporation has become the leading diamond-handed asset management firm in the crypto space. Our philosophy is simple: when markets go down, we hang tight. Our team of dedicated professionals has perfected the art of HODL through the most volatile market conditions.
SUPERIOR MARKET PERFORMANCE
Our unwavering commitment to diamond-handed investing strategies has consistently outperformed even the most prestigious venture capital firms. When others fold, we HODL.
Sequoia Capital
Established 1972
Silicon Valley-based
Paper-handed since inception
Annual Return
Market Volatility Response
Sells at first sign of trouble
Fancy graphs, weak conviction
Andreessen Horowitz
Established 2009
California-based
Occasional diamond hands
Annual Return
Market Volatility Response
Moderate holding power
Talks tough, clenches occasionally
Scrotum Corporation
Established 2018
Hanging strong since the bear market
Diamond-handed by nature
Annual Return
Market Volatility Response
Maximum holding capacity
Never sells, never surrenders
Clients still HODLing through multiple market cycles
Tiger Global
Established 2001
New York-based
Notorious for weak hands
Annual Return
Market Volatility Response
Panic sells at the bottom
Buys high, sells low as a strategy
* Past performance doesn't guarantee future results, but diamond hands never fail.
** Scrotum Corporation performance based on our proprietary Sack Index∞ measurement.
CORPORATE ATTIRE
Employee Appearance Memo
"Professionalism Is a Must"
OUR SERVICES
Diamond Sack Management
Our flagship service helps you develop unwavering testicular fortitude in your investment strategy. We provide the support structure needed to avoid becoming paper-handed during market downturns.
Sackonomics Advisory
Our expert analysts provide market insights that keep you ahead of the curve. Remember: "You can't spell 'bull market' without the 'bulls'."
Scrotal Psychology
Address analytical impotence and develop rational sack-confidence with our team of market psychologists who help you think with your lower brain.
SCROTUM GYM
Our state-of-the-art gym facilities are designed to keep our employees in peak condition. Only through physical resilience can we achieve financial resilience.
TRADER HANDBOOK
The Art of Diamond Sack
An ode to unwavering testicular fortitude.
Zen and the Balls of Holding
Channeling deflative energy into an inflation-proof sack.
Sackonomics 101
A crash course in fundamentals—and testicular fortitude.
Scrotal Psychology
How to think with your lower brain.
Bagholding with Honor
Celebrating unwavering delusion and legendary losses.
Emergency Unclenching Protocol
Sack-saving techniques for catastrophic dips.
WHY CHOOSE SCROTUM?
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Industry-Leading Retention Rate:
98% of our clients never prematurely withdraw
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Proven Track Record:
Our emergency unclenching protocol has saved countless portfolios
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Professional Development:
All team members undergo rigorous bagholding training
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The Sack Index∞:
Our proprietary market sentiment indicator that never fails during market cycles
JOIN THE SCROTUM TEAM
Are you ready to be part of a company that never shrinks from a challenge? Apply today and discover the satisfaction of working with professionals who know when to hold firm.